Polyamory in the News!
. . . by Alan M.



January 23, 2017

End of the line for 'Sister Wives' polygamy decriminalization case

The Brown family

The U.S. Supreme Court has declined to hear the Kody Brown family's case that they be allowed to challenge Utah's anti-bigamy law. The court did not address the merits of the case; it decided that an appeals court was correct in ruling that the family did not have standing to bring its case because it had not actually been charged with the supposed crime, merely threatened with possible charges.

In 2013, the federal court in Utah that originally heard their case ruled in their favor that the law was unconstitutional.

From the AP in USA Today:


Sister Wives' polygamous family turned away at Supreme Court

...The justices left in place a lower court ruling that said Kody Brown and his four wives can't sue over the law because they weren't charged under it.

A federal judge sided with the Browns and overturned key parts of Utah's bigamy law in 2013, but an appeals court overturned that decision last year.

The Browns sought to argue before the high court that the law infringes on their right to freedom of speech and religion. The family said they should be able to challenge the law because the threat of prosecution forced them to flee to Nevada and still looms over them when they return to Utah.

Utah's law forbids married people from living with a second purported "spouse," making it stricter than anti-bigamy laws in other states and creating a threat of arrest for plural families. But state officials have followed a long tradition of not prosecuting polygamists unless they commit some other crime, such as child or spousal abuse, domestic violence or fraud.

Police investigated the family after their show premiered in 2010, but closed the case without filing any charges. The family argued in legal briefs that the state should not be able to thwart a constitutional challenge to the law "by changing its enforcement policy during the pendency of litigation."...


The whole article (January 23, 2017).

More news coverage, including another AP story:


'Sister Wives' family says it won't end fight

An attorney for a TV's "Sister Wives" family says the U.S. Supreme Court decision not to hear an appeal of Utah's law banning polygamy won't end the larger fight by plural and unconventional families for equal status.

Lawyer Jonathan Turley said Monday in a statement posted on his blog that he and the Brown family are disappointed but not surprised by the decision that was issued by the high court without comment....


From Turley's statement:


...The Browns remained steadfast in their commitment to equal rights and have become the voice for not just plural families but many families which do not meet the strict definition of monogamy practiced by the majority of citizens.


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January 22, 2017

Making history, and launching the resistance


Where have I been? Yesterday Sparkle Moose and I were making history in Washington, D.C. We were packed in with the hundreds of thousands well north of the official Women's March zone, far out of range of the jumbotrons or the sound system. We ended up in the flow that filled Pennsylvania Avenue and its sidewalks (outside the permitted limits, and almost a half mile north of the scene below) with solid, moving people from the Capitol to the White House grounds, with fresh masses coming on and on for hours.

A panoramic view of Independence Avenue from end to end, far south of where we were.

At one point we squeezed ourselves in front of the Trump International Hotel (and its police lines), holding up Moose's "Trump = Traitor" sign in front of the black-and-gold marquee, and getting photographed by waves of cell phones from the onward flow.

My own sign urged, "Build your COURAGE, DARING, AND SMARTS." As inspiration for the... active times ahead.

I've been to giant DC demonstrations in the past and I have never seen anything like this in my life. For most of the day all directions were a mass of people as far as the eye could see, a great haze of pink from the pussyhats, under tens of thousands of hand-drawn signs. We filled, from end to end and north to south, nearly every area of the Capitol Mall, its flanking avenues, and the Federal Triangle district to the north that was not fenced off or blocked by cops. Who were quite friendly and low-key — I guess they know how to assess a crowd. Someday we can proudly tell our grandkids, "We were there."

But the most important part of this event, and the hundreds of others nationwide, was not about showing the world a demonstration. It was about finding ourselves and seeing our solidarity and strength.

Nope, the America we know and love is not lost yet.  The Resistance is hereby launched.

Polyamory in the News will resume shortly.
The Capitol Mall, more of where we weren't.

Afterward.

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January 11, 2017

"Audience Network’s polyromantic series ‘You Me Her’ gets brave in Season 2"

Last spring's Season 1 of You Me Her was, from what I gather, mainly focused on the triad's improbable getting-together (the premise seemed forced), and then on drawing the TV audience into a novel concept. In other words, an outside-looking-in perspective on polyamory.

Now, if we believe the Deadline Hollywood story below, writer-director Scott Shepherd has done more research and is shifting the camera to an inside-looking-out perspective: the viewpoint from a triad facing the world. The three now live together, they fret as a group about coming out, and as a group they declare to other people that they're a "throuple."

Season 2 premieres on DirecTV's Audience Network February 14th (at 8:30 p.m. ET/PT).




Audience Network’s Polyromantic Series ‘You Me Her’ Gets Brave In Season 2

By Anthony D'Alessandro

When it comes to the second season of Audience Network’s threesome romantic comedy series You Me Her, the honeymoon is over.

More specifically, after playing out the high jinks involved in a polyamorous relationship, and the whole “hiding” facet of it, creator John Scott Shepherd said at TCA today that Season 2 will deal with “what happens when they go home.”

In You Me Her, Jack (Greg Poehler) is a suburban husband who has a fling with escort Izzy (Priscilla Faia). But she also winds up becoming involved with Jack’s wife Emma (Rachel Blanchard).

Essentially, after researching everyday people with LGBT and polyamorous relationships, Shepherd decided that the series should deal with the reality of this trio coming out to their friends and family and dealing with the complexities that creates. In regards to the leading protags, Shepherd adds, “They needed to say this is our reality, which may not look like everyone’s happiness, but it had to be brave.

...“The biggest challenge in these relationships is that someone always feels left out or that they don’t have their place,” says Shepherd. Next season, Poehler’s Jack lights a fuse that blows up in his face.

Nonetheless, as complicated as a polyromantic relationship can be, for a comedy series, there’s plenty of material.

Says Shepherd: “Romantic comedies are hard to do as features, because it’s hard to figure out the roadblocks. But they’re baked in here. For the life of the series, there are forces pulling them apart such as going to a more conventional lifestyle or there’s a friend or family. The magic moment is where the romance sparks; they’re better than when they’re apart.”

Season 2 of You Me Her premieres, appropriately, on Valentine’s Day.


Original article (January 5, 2017).


● From an AT&T/ Audience Network press release:


Season 1 of “You Me Her” was a contemporary classic rom-com that just happened to involve 3 people, from meet-cute straight through the iconic race to the airport. Now that grad student Izzy is moving in with suburban couple Jack and Emma, season 2 is about the complex realities of polyamory and “throupling.”

What happens when this peculiar rom-com fades to black? Can they prove their best, truest, happiest lives really are together, even when more conventional alternatives beckon? They stood up to the outside world but now they have to face something even more formidable: themselves. Taking the leap was just the beginning. Season 2 is about holding on when letting go seems so much easier.



● A longer story appears at HiddenRemote:


5 Things We Learned from the Season 2 ‘You Me Her’ Teaser Trailer



By Sharina Davenport

Audience Network dropped the much anticipated Season 2 trailer on Wednesday and it has blown our minds. Admittedly, the first season blew our minds so much that we didn’t think we’d ever be prepared for a second season. An alternative lifestyle on prime-time television with an amazing cast; who knew that this is what we needed to fill our TV line-up?

...We’re wondering what the future holds for the three brilliant individual characters, so we’re dissecting the Season 2 trailer to try to put together the pieces!

Jack & Emma Aren’t Without Their Worries

Jack and Emma have a lot to learn about the Polyamory lifestyle; they’re no longer a couple when Izzy is involved. When Izzy is added to the equation that is their new life, she has input to give and her own choices to make with them. Can Jack and Emma find a balance in which Izzy is equal in their home, can they work through their jealousy issues and ensure that Izzy feels like she’s included in the marriage? It may not be an official and legal addition to their marriage, but there are steps Jack and Emma need to take to transition into the throuple lifestyle.

Emma Finally Has What Jack Couldn’t Provide

...From a few clips in the teaser trailer we see a happy Emma, a complete Emma, and even a thrilled Emma. When Emma married Jack, she didn’t just give up her bisexuality – it’s always been there and now she can finally explore that side of her in a comfortable yet dynamic relationship.

Izzy is Still Her Own Person

...How will she transition into the relationship? Will she maintain her anti-misogynistic ways and perhaps teach Jack a few more things on how to love and respect a woman?

The Three of Them Are on Cloud Nine

There’s so many smiles in the trailer that we can’t help but root for these guys! ...With new relationship energy flowing in their veins, the three of them are bound to crash back to the real world soon enough. The question is, how will they deal with that?

They Are Finally Official

In the trailer we see Emma stood in front of what seems to be a house party, the three of them come out to what seems to be their neighbors. They’re about to be judged at every corner, but we have a feeling there’s nothing the three of them cannot accomplish together!

What We Hope They Address in Season 2:

– Polyamory will not save your trashed marriage, but with a lot of communicating and sacrifice it may possibly be the right lifestyle.
– Living with 3 people under the same roof will not be easy, it will have its challenges.
– Hard work goes into maintaining long-term relationships; we’d love to see these three continue to thrive with love in their eyes though!
– The Unicorn aspect definitely needs exploring; there needs to be addressing of the couples privilege to completely woo the more picky members of the poly community. (We’re just thrilled to have it on prime time!)...


The whole article (January 6, 2017).

The filming of Season 2 is finished, and Audience Network already committed to a Season 3.

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January 9, 2017

Schrödinger, of cat fame, had a very open polyfamily


Erwin Schrödinger, 1887–1961
Why isn't this better known? Erwin Schrödinger, the Austrian quantum physics pioneer and discoverer of the Schrödinger wave equation who famously "fled the Nazis with his family," lived in an open polyfamily: a ménage à trois with his wife Anny Bertel and partner Hilde March. They had the blessing of March's husband, the physicist Arthur March, who was himself a lover of Anny's. Together the three raised Erwin and Hilde's daughter, Ruth March.

Despite his brilliant career, world fame, and 1933 Nobel Prize in physics, Schrödinger was apparently rebuffed at Oxford and Princeton for his unconventional home life. Eventually, in 1940, the family settled in Ireland by the grace of the Irish prime minister (a mathematician). There Schrödinger helped to establish the Dublin Institute for Advanced Studies and continued his career until retirement.

The article below is from a genealogy site — which pays closer attention to family history than general-purpose biographies sometimes do. Parts seem to be lifted from Schrödinger's Wikipedia entry. Both provide further references.


...In 1933, however, Schrödinger decided to leave Germany; he disliked the Nazis' anti-semitism. He became a Fellow of Magdalen College at the University of Oxford. Soon after he arrived, he received the Nobel Prize together with Paul Adrien Maurice Dirac.

His position at Oxford did not work out; his unconventional personal life (Schrödinger lived with two women) was not met with acceptance.

In 1934, Schrödinger lectured at Princeton University; he was offered a permanent position there, but did not accept it. Again, his wish to set up house with his wife and his mistress may have posed a problem.

He had the prospect of a position at the University of Edinburgh but visa delays occurred, and in the end he took up a position at the University of Graz in Austria in 1936 [where, in 1939, he got caught in the German Anschluss].

In the midst of these tenure issues in 1935, after extensive correspondence with personal friend Albert Einstein, he proposed the Schrödinger's Cat thought experiment [to illustrate the apparent absurdity of quantum wave-function collapse being caused by a human taking a look].

...Schrödinger asked for a colleague, Arthur March, to be offered a post as his assistant with him where he went.

The request for March stemmed from Schrödinger's unconventional relationships with women: although his relations with his wife Anny were good, he had had many lovers with his wife's full knowledge (and in fact, Anny had her own lover, [the mathematician and physicist] Hermann Weyl). Schrödinger asked for March to be his assistant because, at that time, he was in love with March's wife Hilde.

Bust at the University of Vienna, with a
compact version of Schrödinger's equation.
...In 1940 he received a personal invitation from Ireland's [prime minister, the mathematician] Éamon de Valera, to reside in Ireland and agree to help establish an Institute for Advanced Studies in Dublin. He moved to Clontarf, Dublin and became the Director of the School for Theoretical Physics and remained there for 17 years, during which time he became a naturalized Irish citizen.

...Schrödinger had a long, happy, and very open marriage with Annemarie Bertel, daughter of a respected chemist. He kept a detailed log of his numerous sexual escapades, included a teen-aged girl he seduced and impregnated while acting as her math tutor. [Well, there he goes as a poster boy. –Ed.] He had children by at least three of his mistresses, including a daughter by Hilde March, the wife of his colleague Arthur March, who was himself a lover of Schrödinger's wife.


Read the whole article.

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January 8, 2017

Kimchi wins the heart of the HuffPost relationships editor


If you don't already know Tikva Wolf's Kimchi Cuddles webcomic, the Huffington Post has made it easy to jump in — while introducing it to a much wider audience:


10 Comics That Show What Polyamorous Love Is Really Like

These illustrations are relatable, educational and so, so cute.

By Brittany Wong, Relationships Editor

The poly lifestyle gets talked about a lot more these days, but unfortunately, misconceptions about polyamory (mainly, that it’s all about sex) continue to persist.

In Tikva Wolf’s long-running comic series Kimchi Cuddles, polyamorous people ― meaning, those who have emotional and sexual relationships with more than one person ― are portrayed just like everyone else, only with more partners to steal their blankets.

Wolf launched the webcomic in 2013, and letters from all over the world began pouring in, mostly from other polyamorous people seeking relationship advice.

“When one of my partners suggested I create the comic, my first response was, ‘Nah, no one would read it,’” she told The Huffington Post. “I was quickly proven wrong!”

...“For me, polyamory isn’t about the number of partners you have,” she explained. “It’s about relating to everyone you come across more authentically and sharing from a place of deep mutual interest rather than obligation or expectation.”


See the editor's other 9 choices, out of the 669 Kimchi strips to date (Jan. 3, 2017).

Wolf has an impressively well-subscribed Patreon page, guaranteeing the strip's future. She's been speaking at poly conferences. Thorntree Press last summer issued a book of her comics, Ask Me About Polyamory, and she has a graphic novel on the way: Love, Retold. It's a deeper, more introspective rendering of her relationship autobiography. In fact, most of her comics are about her life with her friends and partners.

I've urged her to consider creating a purely fictional cast of characters, whom she can use however she wants to develop longer, continuing stories a la Doonesbury. Well developed plot lines, IMO, would be the necessary next step to holding and enlarging the strip's fan base. What do you think?

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December 25, 2016

Why poly is so feminist: The version to give the clueless


Wonder why modern poly is so feminist? Why most of its leaders, organizers, book authors, bloggers, public spokespeople, and other movers-and-shakers are women? And have been ever since Deborah Anapol and Ryam Nearing got the movement rolling 30 years ago? And since Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart coined, and Jennifer Wesp popularized, the word polyamory?

Lotsa reasons. But for the clueless males that you encounter (including perhaps your cousin visiting for Christmas), save this little gem of a clue-by-four that even they will get.

It's from Poly.land, "your daily polyamory blog for navigating life, relationships, and more," by the prolific Page Turner of the Cleveland poly and kink communities. She also defines for newbies a lot of our in-group terminology. From the start:


The Switcheroo: When Openers Become Benchwarmers

A switcheroo. Who would fall for it?
“You’re poly?” he says. “I feel kind of bad for you.”

I raise an eyebrow. “Oh?”

“Everyone knows that polyamory is just a thing that straight dudes made up so their girlfriends will let them have some extra sex without looking like a creep.”

I laugh.

“What?” he asks. “You’re not gonna argue?”

“Well,” I say. “Even if that’s the case, that’s not really the way it plays out. Joke’s on any guy who thinks otherwise. He’s in for a switcheroo.”

“What do you mean?”

“In the game of poly, straight male is basically the hardest setting you can play on. It’s kind of the opposite of normal privilege patterns,” I say.

“So the extra sex?”

“It takes some doing,” I say. “And meanwhile, they’re likely gonna see their female partner overwhelmed with takers and rejecting offers.”

“Oh shit,” he says. “Just like monogamous online dating.”

“Exactly. Except he’s going to be sitting alone while she’s out on the town.”

“Huh,” he says. “Never thought about that. What about evening the odds?”

“How?” I ask.

“Well, what if you can only date people together, as a couple? A package deal.”

“Ah yes,” I say. “Unicorn hunters. That’s even harder in some ways.”

“Unicorn what?”

“A unicorn is a bi woman who will date both of halves of a couple,” I explain.

“Awww yeah,” he says. “That’s what I’m talking about! Living the dream. That sounds perfect. What’s so hard about that?”...

-----------------------

...“Wow,” he says. “So poly women really do have a lot of power.”

I nod. “Polyamory is a matriarchy.”


The whole article, to bookmark (December 20, 2016).

She didn't get around to one of the movement's in-group tropes: It's the men who first drag their reluctant women into this poly idea, then when their fantasy turns real they freak and can't handle it, and the women take over and make it work.

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December 21, 2016

Jolly Poly Holidays. . . or not


Non-traditional people often face challenges around traditional family stuff, no more so than in the holiday season.

A classic blunder: using the big turkey-carve as the moment to come out to your whole birth family including Nervous Hilda and Problem Uncle Fred.

Then there's the classic polyfamily crisis: a couple leaves a secondary partner behind to finally grasp, all alone in a cold apartment on Christmas Day, that he or she really is secondary. Although for that, Kimchi Cuddles has a solution. I'm not sure whether she's snarking here:


● As is often the case, MoreThanTwo.com is a go-to place for clarity. Eve Rickert put up a guest post from Noël Figart, the Polyamorous Misanthrope: Polyamorous holidays: When you’re the secondary.


A friend of mine sent me a question last week about surviving the holidays as a polyamorous secondary partner, and Franklin and I chewed on it for awhile before finally throwing in the towel. ... So we turned to someone else we trusted. I’ve followed Noël’s blog almost since the inception of my own non-monogamy journey, and she gives great poly advice that is grounded in respect, love and being a grown-up.

I’m looking for advice on surviving the holidays as a Secondary. My only current partner is married, and also lives very close to his biological family, whom he is also very close to emotionally. He’s told at least his mother... but she has essentially bent over backwards to ignore our relationship... and holidays really seem to heighten that glitch in the matrix.

...We’re doing some personal celebration things on days around the holidays, but they’re very solitary activities. It’s very much getting to me.... I’d like to know how other people have dealt with similar feelings of being the Invisible Partner during a very rough part of the year to be alone.

Ow.

That hurts and it’s tough. And guess what? There is some social erasure going on in this.

Is it avoidable?

"To not be publicly acknowledged as a partner or to
be erased from public celebrations can be painful."

Photo © Michal Moravcik/Depositphotos.com
...Let’s break this down in terms of relationship skill sets. I’m sure you’ve run across the idea before that it’s important to ask for what you want. It is crucial, so get it out there. Don’t worry about whether what you want is too much to ask: once you know what you want, ask for it. This can be scary, but I think all good relationships require a bit of courage....

So try it out. “Honey, I feel really alone during the holidays. Since we are partners, I feel like we’re family, too, and I want to be able to be included in some big holiday gatherings. Is there any way this can happen at all?”

Notice that this is open-ended. You’re asking for what you want, but you’re not telling anyone how to give it to you. That’s good, because chances are better that you’ll get some suggested solutions that you might not even have thought of.

Yes, I’m presuming good will here. After all, you’re partners and you love each other, right?

You mentioned that you’re doing a small, private celebration with your partner. Maybe it shouldn’t be (just) a small, private celebration. Maybe at some point a big holiday party that you and your partner and metamour host might be a good idea.... I used to throw a big tree decorating party the first of December ever year.

...I used to be a member of a group marriage. While we got enough wrong that it did eventually dissolve, one of the things we got right was that we hosted holidays at our house. That kept us from having to choose among families of origin. People who wanted to visit on a holiday were welcomed.... It was a good solution for us, as it did keep us on more equal ground with each other....



● From Dedeker Winston of the Multiamory Podcast, writing on Bustle a few days ago: Common Judgments Non-Monogamous People Hear — And How To Respond (Dec. 12, 2016):


...As the holidays are fast approaching, you may be gearing up to come out to your family about your non-monogamy. Or, the word may have already gotten out, and now you’re bracing yourself for the inevitable questions and un-asked-for opinions....

Here’s a play-by-play to handling the most common questions and criticisms of ethical non-monogamy with smarts and grace.

“Is this a sex thing?”

Variations include: “I don’t want to know about what goes on in your bedroom.” “Aren’t you scared of STDs?”...

...How to respond: “My relationships are based on intimacy and emotional connection, not just hooking up. I am aware that all forms of sex are risky, but I am taking precautions to make sure that both my partners and myself stay safe and healthy.”

“So ... you’re single.”

Variations include: “Are you playing the field for now?” “Good for you for not letting yourself get tied down.” “When you find the right person, you’ll be ready to commit.”

...The best method is time. ... However, when the people asking are sitting looking at you expectantly, it may not be feasible to ask them to get back to you in a year or so.

How to respond: “I’m actually quite committed to my relationships, but my definition of ‘commitment’ may be a little different from yours. I am seriously committed to being the best partner I can be, and I’m committed to making sure that my partners and myself are happy, regardless of whether or not there is sexual exclusivity.”

“Like what Mormons do?”

Variations include: “Do you have sister-wives?” “Did you join a cult?” “Is this like Big Love?”

...How to respond: “Unlike the historical instances of Mormon polygamy, my relationships are equal opportunity — everyone involved is free to have multiple partners, regardless of their gender. My choice of relationship isn’t related to any spiritual or religious practice.”

“Isn't that cheating?”

Variations include: “Does your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband know?” “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

...If it’s appropriate, it helps to have one of your partners there with you. Your partner can help answer questions, provide a slightly different perspective, and demonstrate without a doubt that you aren’t doing this behind their back.

How to respond: “Cheating usually involves doing something behind your partner’s back and then lying about it to cover it up. Every person involved with me has full knowledge and has given their full consent. I build my relationships on a foundation of open, honest communication and trust.”

“That isn’t real love.”

Variations include: “I’m sad that your relationship is falling apart." “Your boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband must not really love you.” “You can’t be happy this way.”

This one is the heavy hitter. Does anyone know what “real” love is?...

How to respond: “My relationships may seem strange, but they are just one example of hundreds of different valid ways to create relationships. I chose this because it brings me happiness, love, and allows me to share that with others in my life.”

“You’re being taken advantage of.”

Variations include: “I just don’t want you getting hurt.” “This was your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s/wife’s/husband’s idea, wasn’t it?” “You should break up with him/her.”

...How to respond: “I appreciate your concerns for me. This is a decision that I made for myself, after a lot of research, soul-searching, and discussion with my partner. It isn’t always easy, but I wouldn’t have chosen to do this if I didn’t think it would make me happy.”

...Your family may still think of your partners as shady characters. However, I’ve seen this attitude go full 180 after family members meet one or more of your partners....



● And now you've got a good booklet to hand them to back up your words: When Someone You Love Is Polyamorous: Understanding Poly People and Relationships. Even if they don't dare open it, you've established that at least you're not a lone nut. It's also available as an ebook.


● On the Multiamory podcast itself, which Dedeker runs with Jase and Emily, they put this up just yesterday: Happy Polydays 2 (Dec. 20, 2016). It follows last year's Happy Polydays (Dec. 9, 2015).


● A wrapup from Eli Sheff (author of The Polyamorists Next Door, Stories from the Polycule, and that little When Someone You Love is Polyamorous): Poly for the Holidays: Tips on managing the holidays for poly folks and their non-poly families (Dec. 15, 2016).


...Keeping the ideas below in mind can help to make holidays more comfortable for everyone.

For Poly Folks

Save Coming Out for Some Other Time

If you are not yet out to your family about being in a poly relationship, it can most likely wait for a few more weeks or months. Earlier in this blog I wrote a series on coming out polyamorous and advised readers to avoid overloading what can be an already stressful season with potentially distracting or inflammatory announcements about sexuality. That is not an absolute rule – if you end up on an after dinner walk with your favorite cousin in can be a great time to have a private chat about the loves in your life. In general, however, avoid dropping relationship bombshells at the holiday family feast.

Give your Relatives the Benefit of the Doubt

If your dad has to ask you yet again who this new person is – even though you have been dating them for the past three years and your dad just met for the fourth time at your birthday party a couple of months ago -- try to stifle the dramatic sigh and muster up your patience to explain kindly that you are dating this person, and yes, your/their spouse knows about it. Polyamory can be a foreign and confusing concept for many people....

Have an Escape Plan

[If] relatives’ thoughtlessness or blatant malice becomes too much, be sure you can get away. Weather it is taking a walk, making a grocery run for those last few items, or returning to the sanctuary of a hotel room, be sure that you have some way to take a break from the festivities before things go badly wrong. Leaving a little too early is preferable to staying until alcohol-fueled tempers flare and people say things they will regret.

Moderate Mood Alteration

...Not only does alcohol fog your mind so that you might not notice your partner’s desperate look of a silent plea for help when Uncle Tony comes around again, it loosens your tongue....

For Families with Poly Loved Ones

Invite the People Important to Them

Even if you do not understand why your loved one is in a polyamorous relationship, please consider inviting the people they see as family members to the family event. It can be tremendously painful and difficult for poly family members to be forced to choose between spending the holidays with their chosen family members and their families of origin. Inviting everyone who is family – legal, biological, or chosen – to the party can mean more love for the whole clan.

Include all Partners in the Gift Exchange

Respect Loved Ones’ Choices, even when they Differ from Yours

Polyamory and other forms of consensual non-monogamy are not for everyone. ...You can decide to accept the fact that your loved one(s) have different relationship styles and needs from you and allow them their differences....

Have Fun

Find something to do that everyone can enjoy....


● In past years I've collected heaps more poly holidays stuff. Start here.

● On her Polyamory Weekly podcast, Cunning Minx has done many episodes on this perennial topic. For her choice of the five best she provides a handy one-page link: Poly for the holidays primer, with brief summaries for each. The most recent "includes advice learned from FBI hostage negotiators."

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December 17, 2016

From Future Sex: "Are millennials better at free love?"


Emily Witt  (Michael Danner / The Guardian)
Emily Witt's book Future Sex: A New Kind of Free Love has been out for a couple months and has had a lot of buzz. You may remember the October New York Times review I quoted, with this paragraph:


There is very little darkness in what is probably Witt’s best chapter, a deep dive into polyamory in San Francisco. By the time she arrives in the city... it’s a playground for successful, bright-eyed young adults [with an ethic of frank openness.] At first, Witt isn’t sure what to make of their sexual appetites. “Their sex lives were impossible to fathom,” she observes, “because they seemed never to have lived in darkness.


This morning's Guardian reprints much of that chapter. A precis:


Sex in Silicon Valley: Are millennials better at free love?

‘Despite making rules, they would aim to fail: a concept they borrowed from computer security.’

By Emily Witt

...By 2012, the young people who came to San Francisco were neither dropouts nor misfits. They were children who had grown up eating sugar-free cereal, swaddled in polar fleece jackets made from recycled plastic bottles. They had studied abroad, knew their favourite kinds of sashimi and were friends with their parents. ... Nobody smoked cigarettes. They honed their bodies with the aim of either perfect homeostasis or eternal life. They ate red meat only once a month, to time their consumption of iron with the end of their menstrual cycles. They started companies whose names referenced fantasy fiction. They were adults, but they could seem like children. Their sex lives were impossible to fathom, because they seemed never to have lived in darkness.

...Elizabeth had moved to San Francisco after college. ... Elizabeth had never before lived in a city. ... She met Wes one night in late 2010, when he accompanied one of her co-workers to a boardgame party at her house. For their first date, they attended Nerd Night at a local bar. They watched a lecture about the future of teledildonics. On the walk home, they kissed. Then Wes, with the transparency he thought of as mature and fair, gave a speech of pre-emptive relationship indemnity. He was still getting over his last girlfriend, he said. He did not want to be in a relationship. Elizabeth tried not to roll her eyes – it was the first date! They said goodnight and parted ways.

...They began meeting once a week for drinks, dates and sleeping over, always with a show of nonchalance. Given the choice, Elizabeth would have wanted a more serious commitment. She was only 23, but she had one reaction to Wes’s lack of interest in their relationship: he was acting like a baby. Fine, she decided. She would also see other people.

...One day in May 2011, six months after they met, Elizabeth introduced Wes to psilocybin mushrooms. The trip shifted their relationship. They still did not use the word “love”, but they now acknowledged what they referred to as “emotional involvement”.

Elizabeth did not describe what she was doing – having sex with two men on a regular basis over an extended period of time, with the occasional extra-relationship dalliance besides – as polyamory. The word had cultural connotations for her, of swinging married people or creepy old men.

Although, like most people her age, she had friends whose partnerships allowed for sex with others, those friends tended to use the term “open relationship”, which was somehow less infused with the stigma of intentional weirdness, and did not amount to a proclamation of sexual identity.

Still, whatever accidental arrangement she had created, by the end of that year the lack of sexual boundaries was causing Elizabeth no small amount of anxiety. ... To allay her growing insecurity, she turned to self-help and read The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide To Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures, Sex At Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá, and Tristan Taormino’s Opening Up.

These books convinced Elizabeth that monogamy was a choice, not a given. It began to take on the cast of an unreasonable expectation, best suited to people who disliked experimentation: people not like her.

...They agreed that they would think of themselves as a couple from now on, instead of two single people who slept together, but they would still not be monogamous. Now they had to figure out how to manage the logistics. Elizabeth compiled a shared Google doc that was to become the foundation of their research – a syllabus of recommended reading, places to attend discussion groups and sex parties open to the public. They went to a party at a sex club and had sex surrounded by onlookers. ... Elizabeth and Wes felt they could draw upon certain ideas of the older polyamorists, but had to do a lot of the thinking on their own. After their research, they began to draw up rules.

...Despite making rules, they would aim to fail. It was a concept they borrowed from computer security: if an unplanned event occurs, the default is to act first, then worry about formulating responses for the next time.

...Wes said he wouldn’t mind if Elizabeth and Chris started to sleep together. ... By the end of 2011, the three regularly socialised as a group outside work. Soon after, Chris and Elizabeth would also hang out by themselves. ... One night, Chris accompanied Elizabeth and Wes to a queer dance party. They all danced together, dancing that evolved seamlessly to kissing on the dance floor. Chris enjoyed it, but felt a little bit like the third wheel. His friends were on MDMA and he was not. Elizabeth and Wes had planned a foursome with another couple later that night, so Chris ended up going home alone.

It became an unspoken understanding that if the three of them went out dancing, they would probably end up kissing together. This was true for a whole group of friends who began to coalesce at this time around Wes and Elizabeth, who began to be sought after as gurus by other couples who had considered opening their relationships. The shared Google doc soon had multiple subscribers.

...The two men were affectionate with each other, even kissing hello or goodbye, but Chris was surprisingly troubled by his unreturned desire for Wes.

I first met Chris, Elizabeth, and Wes in late May 2012, when their experiment was just a few months old. I was seven years older than Elizabeth and Chris, eight older than Wes. I envied the openness with which they shared their attractions. They did not proceed recklessly. They drew up ethical codes to protect their relationships. Elizabeth and Wes seemed to plunge forward through life without fear. I saw in Chris a little more hesitation.

...Wes and Elizabeth’s relationship had acquired an acceleration, a momentum based on mutual daring. In the way that some couples might spend their energy systematically eating at new restaurants, Elizabeth and Wes went to sex parties. Elizabeth attended two porn shoots, one of them with Wes, the other with a woman who had become another long-term sexual partner. In June 2013, Wes left Google to start his own company. Between ending one job and beginning the other, he travelled around Europe. Elizabeth met him in Amsterdam, where they hired a prostitute.

...They discussed moving in together, and finally did so in late 2013. The decision carried less weight with the knowledge that, at least a few times a month, one of them would be spending the night at someone else’s place.

...In August 2014, Elizabeth and Wes got engaged at the Burning Man festival. In August 2015, I attended their wedding in Black Rock City. To the tune of Somewhere Over The Rainbow played on an electric piano, Wes and Elizabeth, he in a white, button-down shirt and black trousers, she in a white dress, both with colourful face paint around their eyes, processed to an altar decorated with pink fabric flowers and tasselled fringe. Relatives delivered loving statements. Wes’s godfather recited a Druid prayer. We lit sparklers and held them skyward as the sun set, forming a ring of light. The drone of a didgeridoo obscured the couple’s quiet murmuring.

“By the power invested in me by the internet, you are now married,” said the officiant, Wes’s uncle. “You can kiss each other and other people.”

Chris and Elizabeth threw their first sex party in the fall of 2012. In early 2015, I went to the fourth iteration, Thunderwear IV, in a rented loft. A black-and-white portrait of Elizabeth lifting one of her legs up over her head in a full split and penetrating herself with a dildo hung over the room. She had installed a stripper pole. ... Elizabeth, ever organised, told me she had taken out liability insurance for the stripper pole.

The invitation had laid out the party’s rules in a charter, to which every invitee had to agree.....

...I wandered back to the loft, where couples and threesomes had begun to pair off on couches. Nearby was a wheel of fortune that could be spun for instructions. ... Then we went into the second room to do whip-its. ... Around us, groups of people lay together on beds and couches, or stood making out in corners. On a couch, a man lay across the laps of his friends, who formed a spanking train. I sat with Elizabeth and took a whip-it, after which she massaged my head while a man lightly shocked me with an electrified wand.

...My then boyfriend in New York had not wanted me to attend the party at all. I was still thinking of myself as just a visitor, or rather neither here nor there, someone undertaking an abstract inquiry, but not yet with true intention. ... Now I sat in a penthouse with a group of sleepy partygoers. We chatted and looked at the view. In the background was the sound of whip-its, of orgasms, of water falling from a shower into a porcelain tub.


Read the whole piece (Dec. 17, 2016).

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